7 Jan 2009  ::  SOS
The older I get with my personal status at "single," the more antsy my mother gets about my condition. When Sophie lived with them, our running joke is I would head up to Portland to see my parents, I'd walk in the front door, my mother would put me in a headlock, force me into a tux and before I would really have a chance to figure out what was going on, I'd be married to Sophie.

Events being as they are, it seems less likely now, if it ever was. My mother still schemes. She often scouts girls and when I come up I get introduced, 'accidentally.' At some point she decided the checker at Winco was someone I should consider on my short list, so we went shopping, I bagged the groceries and before we had taken five steps to the door my mother asked me if I thought the checker was cute. Mrs. Strong also likes to actively complain that she can watch me when I'm with her and never see me check out anyone, because apparently she thinks I need to scope out hot babes when I'm with my mom.

It is reaching a fever-pitch. I'm glad I live in Eugene so I'm not exposed to a constant barrage, but I can't fully trust her not to cook something up in my absence. On the last trip up we went to church and I was standing at the far end of the pew from her. In the middle of worship she slips behind everyone in my family to my side to point out her friend, Debbie Stewart. I start looking, but then remember that she has been wanting me to meet said daughter, despite she is about ten years my junior. I banish mother back to her end of the pew.

Her rationalization for this is that Debbie would be a great mother-in-law. Mrs. Strong's world skips courting, dating, getting engaged and goes straight to BABIES!

Just tell her you're gay. Or maybe one of your sisters will have a baby and that will keep her temporarily distracted. Good luck.

Comment added on 7 Jan 2009 by Andrea

Next time you come to Portland bring your best sweats, there are two choice Winco's full of exotic beauties I need to take you to. I'm with your mom, you should make some babies, or at least practice a lot.

Comment added on 7 Jan 2009 by Jeremy

i like how sweats are the uniform for courting women at winco.
setups are only good if neither party knows it's a setup and there are enough people that when the two get there it's not 2 couples and them staring at each other.
just don't give up and turn to the internet. yes there are some success stories... but i hear way more horror stories. while funny to us... you're the one living them.

Comment added on 7 Jan 2009 by kev kev

"Yo, moms, check out that hot piece of ass over there. I just want to get up behind that bitch and... UH!"

I remember a number of years back when my mom would point out girls who were "checking me out." Now her advice is relegated to going to the church singles group. Since when did church become a place to pick up hotties?

Comment added on 7 Jan 2009 by Patrick

Since Mormon missionaries were invented. I had a pair swing by my place this afternoon and tried to get me to go their singles group- emphasis on singles. Thinly disguised dating service.

Comment added on 7 Jan 2009 by Paul!

Just be glad your parents aren't afraid to try to find...um, "decent" girls for you. I think my parents believe I've turned into some sort of neuter, asexual quasi-hermit. Which, honestly, I which would happen, but doesn't seem likely. Although I do like your conviction that we should define ourselves by the other relationships in our lives, not our sig-oths, I also must recognize that, well, being the sort of social animals we are, we instinctively want to have other, you know, parts or halves of whatever you want to call it. And breeding is just one of the nice trade-offs in the deal. But, lo, I must get back to do whatever I was doing; enough philosophizing for one night.

...now where did I put my broom?

Comment added on 8 Jan 2009 by Fox, AKA Liir

Haha I am with Andrea on this one or just get out of Oregon. I would suggest going south maybe....I know that there are a ton of "HOT" girls there and yes I have scouted the area with my awesome "Hot Babe" radar haha.

Comment added on 8 Jan 2009 by JhomesIII

Two comments:

Paul's sister here: no babies (though I am married)

I live in the south. Sure, the girls are hot, but they are all pretentious little suckers.

Though I am trying to set him up with one of my friends...hmmmm

Comment added on 12 Jan 2009 by sara (his sister)